A Comprehensive Guide To Bringing Out The Worst In Retail Employees.
I've worked in retail for about five years now, and among many things I've noticed that some people really like to be treated badly by sales associates. Why else would so much of the general public behave like buffoons when shopping?
Some exercise attention-seeking methods, others treat the store's product like an AMNY newspaper, and the rest just push the limits of sanity. I'm here to present to you a list of fool-proof tactics to making a salesperson have visions of strangling you, then exporting your children to a sweatshop.
Respond inappropriately to a salesperson's greeting.
When a salesperson says 'Hello' and asks how you are doing, do not say hello back. This will make the salesperson think you are a decent human being and worthy of common courtesy. The appropriate response is to assume that the salesperson is out to rob you of your savings account and reply with a terse "JUST LOOKING". This response sets the proper tone of your visit to the shop, and helps the salesperson prepare for an encounter that will involve no blinking and directly glaring angrily into your soul.
Make yourself unapproachable, then ask for help in an exasperated manner.
Enter the store on your cellphone. Do not end the conversation. In fact, increase the volume of your voice. Make sure your conversation is of a topic that both embarrasses yourself, and creates the need for an earlier than expected Sex Talk for any parents who happen to be in the shop with their children. Once you've completed your conversation, spin around in a circle shouting "DOES ANYBODY WORK HERE?! CAN I GET SOME HELP?" until someone comes and helps you. This behavior will provide the salesperson some much-needed pep in their step, as their goal has now shifted from actually helping you to politely rushing you out of the store before they lose self control and shove you into traffic.
Initialize an interaction with a one word question.
Honestly, salespeople are all retired clairvoyants. That's why they've entered the field of retail; so that they can sit around all day and help people who use of the English language can only be described as abusive figure out what it is exactly they are looking for. So you'd only be doing them a favor if you were to enter the store, walk up to them and ask: "Sweatshirts?" Don't worry about the rest of the question; the ex-clairvoyant standing in front of you will be able to determine whether you're asking if that particular store carries any, if you have any business wearing one, if you're asking them if they personally own any, or if you're suggesting a way to properly start a fire in someone's closet.
Force the salesperson to operate within your delusional body image.
If you're a "fat" size 4 don't trust the salesperson to know what size to pull for you. Who cares if they deal with this clothing 40 hours a week; make them start you off with a size 12 and work your way down each size until you reach a size 4. If you're a man who is a size 30 in jeans and still believes you have massive biker thighs, don't spend any less than 45 minutes trying on three different pairs of the same cut. The goal is to recreate the feeling of a hamster wheel for the salesperson. Once the salesperson has been reduced to the kind of person that sails pieces of clothing at the customers in fitting rooms your job is done.
These are just a few suggestions to help you get started. If you've tried these methods and are still receiving excellent customer service, then I need to remind you that getting drunk and throwing your ex-boyfriend's clothing out of a window with the help of your friends does not constitute a day of shopping.
Good luck!
Re-Blogged from They Posted What?
Some exercise attention-seeking methods, others treat the store's product like an AMNY newspaper, and the rest just push the limits of sanity. I'm here to present to you a list of fool-proof tactics to making a salesperson have visions of strangling you, then exporting your children to a sweatshop.
Respond inappropriately to a salesperson's greeting.
When a salesperson says 'Hello' and asks how you are doing, do not say hello back. This will make the salesperson think you are a decent human being and worthy of common courtesy. The appropriate response is to assume that the salesperson is out to rob you of your savings account and reply with a terse "JUST LOOKING". This response sets the proper tone of your visit to the shop, and helps the salesperson prepare for an encounter that will involve no blinking and directly glaring angrily into your soul.
Make yourself unapproachable, then ask for help in an exasperated manner.
Enter the store on your cellphone. Do not end the conversation. In fact, increase the volume of your voice. Make sure your conversation is of a topic that both embarrasses yourself, and creates the need for an earlier than expected Sex Talk for any parents who happen to be in the shop with their children. Once you've completed your conversation, spin around in a circle shouting "DOES ANYBODY WORK HERE?! CAN I GET SOME HELP?" until someone comes and helps you. This behavior will provide the salesperson some much-needed pep in their step, as their goal has now shifted from actually helping you to politely rushing you out of the store before they lose self control and shove you into traffic.
Initialize an interaction with a one word question.
Honestly, salespeople are all retired clairvoyants. That's why they've entered the field of retail; so that they can sit around all day and help people who use of the English language can only be described as abusive figure out what it is exactly they are looking for. So you'd only be doing them a favor if you were to enter the store, walk up to them and ask: "Sweatshirts?" Don't worry about the rest of the question; the ex-clairvoyant standing in front of you will be able to determine whether you're asking if that particular store carries any, if you have any business wearing one, if you're asking them if they personally own any, or if you're suggesting a way to properly start a fire in someone's closet.
Force the salesperson to operate within your delusional body image.
If you're a "fat" size 4 don't trust the salesperson to know what size to pull for you. Who cares if they deal with this clothing 40 hours a week; make them start you off with a size 12 and work your way down each size until you reach a size 4. If you're a man who is a size 30 in jeans and still believes you have massive biker thighs, don't spend any less than 45 minutes trying on three different pairs of the same cut. The goal is to recreate the feeling of a hamster wheel for the salesperson. Once the salesperson has been reduced to the kind of person that sails pieces of clothing at the customers in fitting rooms your job is done.
These are just a few suggestions to help you get started. If you've tried these methods and are still receiving excellent customer service, then I need to remind you that getting drunk and throwing your ex-boyfriend's clothing out of a window with the help of your friends does not constitute a day of shopping.
Good luck!
Re-Blogged from They Posted What?
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